Tag Archives: funny or die

Dear Mr. Cratchit

Dear Mr. Cratchit

Dear Mr. Cratchit:

Another year come and gone, aye, Cratchit? I couldn’t help notice you put EXTRA coal in the stove this morning. What are you, cold? Put on a coat, for heaven’s sake!

Cratchit, I wonder: Does a poor bastard such as yourself even realize that one glorious day you could BECOME a Scrooge!? It’s called the American Dream, Cratchit. Allow me to interpret that dream for you…

Continue reading Dear Mr. Cratchit on Funny or Die.

This Fall’s Hottest Bombs

The Bomb

NEWS FROM THE FUTURE 

Washington, DC—This fall’s lineup of bombs was unveiled at a star-studded runway show at the White House.

“It’s hard to remember,” said one centenarian in attendance. “But there was a time when bombs were instruments of widespread death and destruction.”

Fortunately for humankind, war has gone out of style. Bombs, however, are still in demand.

The White House bomb show featured new bombs from top designers at Lockheed-Vuitton and Comedy Central Command, following the traditional alphabet theme.

Continue reading This Fall’s Hottest Bombs on Funny or Die.

Christopher Hitchens Undefeated in Heaven’s Octagon

Christopher Hitchens, Champion of Heaven

HEAVEN — Christopher “Hitch” Hitchens entered Heaven’s Octagon for his first fight since successfully defending his title against famed sucker-punch artist William F. Buckley earlier this year. Last night’s no-holds-barred title fight saw Hitchens square off against Pope Boniface VIII (1235-1303, aka “The Pontiff of Pain”) before a sold-out crowd at Heaven’s newly renovated 700 Club Arena.

Continue reading Christopher Hitchens Undefeated in Heaven’s Octagon from Erich Origen on Funny or Die.

Right-Wing Detective: Wasted Genius

Right-Wing Detective

The creek was moving fast today, and I watched as a stick, caught up by the torrent of water, was forced against the iron grate. For a long moment I stared at that stick, pinned there, powerless to resist the currents pushing it forward, unable to remove the bars holding it back. On the concrete spillway were words of caution stenciled in red paint: Stay Out. Stay Alive.

Continue reading Right-Wing Detective: Wasted Genius on Funny or Die.

Nelly’s Post-Apocalyptic Grandchildren Weep to “Hot in Here”

ANAHEIM, CA — The long-anticipated catastrophic ecological collapse continues to take its toll on humanity. With oxygen completely depleted from the atmosphere except at sea level, mankind clings to life in the remains of low-lying communities. One such place is Disneyland.

Underneath “The Happiest Place on Earth” shattered families survive in the park’s old service tunnels. The rides above stand as silent monuments to a “once upon a time” that may never return.

Continue reading Nelly’s Post-Apocalyptic Grandchildren Weep to “Hot in Here” on Funny or Die.

Obama to Sell Southern Whites in Africa

Obama Returns from Africa with Plan to Sell Southern Whites in Africa from Erich Origen

While standing on the platform where slaves were shipped off to America, President Obama said “The lightbulb kind of went on” Obama said. “All the Southern whites in Congress, they’re descended from the same assholes who bought and sold people from Africa.”

President Obama described his new plan on the deck of a fully restored slave transit ship.

“Today I’m announcing a new plan to sell Southern white people to African countries. They will be transported in period-accurate ships from ports in Georgia and Mississippi. Now, we probably won’t be able to fit as many 300 pound lard asses in these old ships, but we’re committed to making as many trips as necessary.”

Continue reading Obama Returns from Africa with Plan to Sell Southern Whites in Africa.

How to Raise a Wall Street Tycoon

The Thumb from The Adventures of Unemployed Man

1. Hire a surrogate mother and tell her to make a withdrawal from your Sperm Bank. Attractive poor women are plentiful in Eastern Europe. Avoid Central America—when was the last time you saw a brown one-percenter?

2. Give the young man a healthy sense of entitlement. Whatever his friends have, buy something better. Enroll him in a top prep school. Hire tutors to write the papers, do the math, all that servant stuff.

3. As you pass homeless people, encourage them to pick themselves up by their own bootstraps. Like you did. Or, y’know, someone in your family did maybe. The point is, we all have to start somewhere and they’re not even trying…

Continue reading How to Raise a Wall Street Tycoon.