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Nelly’s Post-Apocalyptic Grandchildren Weep to “Hot in Here”

ANAHEIM, CA — The long-anticipated catastrophic ecological collapse continues to take its toll on humanity. With oxygen completely depleted from the atmosphere except at sea level, mankind clings to life in the remains of low-lying communities. One such place is Disneyland.

Underneath “The Happiest Place on Earth” shattered families survive in the park’s old service tunnels. The rides above stand as silent monuments to a “once upon a time” that may never return.

Continue reading Nelly’s Post-Apocalyptic Grandchildren Weep to “Hot in Here” on Funny or Die.

Obama to Sell Southern Whites in Africa

Obama Returns from Africa with Plan to Sell Southern Whites in Africa from Erich Origen

While standing on the platform where slaves were shipped off to America, President Obama said “The lightbulb kind of went on” Obama said. “All the Southern whites in Congress, they’re descended from the same assholes who bought and sold people from Africa.”

President Obama described his new plan on the deck of a fully restored slave transit ship.

“Today I’m announcing a new plan to sell Southern white people to African countries. They will be transported in period-accurate ships from ports in Georgia and Mississippi. Now, we probably won’t be able to fit as many 300 pound lard asses in these old ships, but we’re committed to making as many trips as necessary.”

Continue reading Obama Returns from Africa with Plan to Sell Southern Whites in Africa.

Financial Security for All Citizens

Golden Gate

Like many of my fellow Americans, I was horrified when the Great Recession threw back the curtain on our economy and revealed shocking inequities built into our economic system. I spent a lot of time reading data, looking at charts, and listening to personal stories. Much of that made its way into The Adventures of Unemployed Man.

This knowledge continued to percolate until one day I had a Big Idea for solving a lot of things. Not everything, of course, but a lot of things. I’m not an economist, financial advisor, or investment banker—although I have met a few of those people and found myself wondering (like the guy in Idiocracy): “Why am I the smartest person in the room?” So I wrote my idea down and sent it to friends less financially innumerate than me and, to my stunned satisfaction, they thought it could work! Whoa…

Ready for this? I’m gonna break it down all serious-like. Continue Reading →

How to Raise a Wall Street Tycoon

The Thumb from The Adventures of Unemployed Man

1. Hire a surrogate mother and tell her to make a withdrawal from your Sperm Bank. Attractive poor women are plentiful in Eastern Europe. Avoid Central America—when was the last time you saw a brown one-percenter?

2. Give the young man a healthy sense of entitlement. Whatever his friends have, buy something better. Enroll him in a top prep school. Hire tutors to write the papers, do the math, all that servant stuff.

3. As you pass homeless people, encourage them to pick themselves up by their own bootstraps. Like you did. Or, y’know, someone in your family did maybe. The point is, we all have to start somewhere and they’re not even trying…

Continue reading How to Raise a Wall Street Tycoon.