How to Raise a Wall Street Tycoon

The Thumb from The Adventures of Unemployed Man

1. Hire a surrogate mother and tell her to make a withdrawal from your Sperm Bank. Attractive poor women are plentiful in Eastern Europe. Avoid Central America—when was the last time you saw a brown one-percenter?

2. Give the young man a healthy sense of entitlement. Whatever his friends have, buy something better. Enroll him in a top prep school. Hire tutors to write the papers, do the math, all that servant stuff.

3. As you pass homeless people, encourage them to pick themselves up by their own bootstraps. Like you did. Or, y’know, someone in your family did maybe. The point is, we all have to start somewhere and they’re not even trying…

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